The Pahrump Super Center has completed its move and opens tomorrow.

The new store, the first Super Duper Deluxe Mega Center in the U.S., is seven times larger than the original store, and sorely needed with Pahrump's burgeoning population.

"This is the store I've always dreamed of," said Evan Poppa, "store manager. "We have our own golf center and indoor putting green and my office is right next to it."

The original Super Center has been leased by Debra Strickland and Don Trudeau who plan to turn it into an indoor rifle range and training center for big game hunters.

Bob and Lisa Holleman have sub-leased what was the store's warehouse to open a laser tag facility. "We might decorate it for prom night, too," said Lisa.

At 6 a.m. tomorrow, the store's tram system will begin picking up shoppers from the 50 acre parking lot, which is conveniently color coded.

Friendly shuttle drivers, many of whom were former door greeters, will drop off passengers at any one of the store's 26 entrances.

As a shopper steps into the tram, his or her left hand will be stamped with the color code designating the parking lot section.

Due to a slight delay in delivery of the hand stamps, spray paint will be used for the first few days of tram service.

However, the most startling innovation is the overhead signs installed over aisles in the pharmacy department listing what's available to purchase in each aisle, thus allowing shoppers to quickly find what they need.

Sales associates have been supplied with new apparel that allow shoppers to easily identified employees by their proper department.

For instance, sporting goods associates wear khaki shirts with camouflage cargo pants and mirrored glasses, while multi-colored shirts and white painter's overalls are worn in the paint department.

Bakery workers are dressed in chocolate colored pants with caramel polo shirts and associates stocking kitchen and laundry chemicals dress in denim splashed with bleach.

The expanded gourmet foods section now includes fresh desert tortoise steaks and a 75-gallon tank where shoppers can select live Maine lobsters.

There is also a plastic one- gallon milk jug filled with murky water from Death Valley, temporarily in service as a pup fish tank.

The tank originally slated for the pup fish was lost because the overnight crew was too busy to mark the contents of any pallets they put on the steel shelves in the back room during the move.

Shoppers need to remain alert, as testing shows 4.25 percent of Super Duper Deluxe Mega Center employees are color blind and may be wandering around the store in a state of confusion.

Those people are called assistant managers and are looking for a place to smoke.

Please point them toward the doors leading to the garden center, where associate Ricky Bobby created a 20 by 40 foot employee lounge out of discarded cardboard boxes, 8 picnic tables and 33,000 feet of shrink wrap.

This April Fools Day report is dedicated to all the folks in Pahrump who put up with work nonsense every day. You don't have to work at a super center. You know who you are.

Any resemblance to any super center or any person, living or dead, is unintentional or may be a Freudian slip.