MICKI BARE Advertisement

All this time I thought the commercials were loud because I didn't own a television set equipped with the latest technology. I also reasoned that maybe the change to digital television caused there to be a difference in the decibel level of sitcoms, movies and the local news as opposed to commercials.

Then I read in one of those question and answer columns that loud commercial volume is not a technical bug. The reason marketing jingles are so loud that my eardrums bleed if I can't reach the mute or volume control buttons in time is because that is the way the sponsors choose to broadcast their messages.

Companies advertising on television have the option of broadcasting their hypnotic communiqué at higher volumes than the stations' entertainment lineups. Apparently, someone in the marketing department figured out that America gets up to use the bathroom or prepare a snack during the commercial break.

If we are in the bathroom or kitchen while the commercial is airing, we might not hear it -- which is one of the reasons Americans use this time to distance themselves from their TV. There are so many commercials run so often that we already know them all by heart. We don't need to hear them again. We do need to visit the restroom and eat on occasion.

While in the bathroom, most Americans like to read. They read their paper, catch up on the latest issues of their favorite magazines and work through best-selling novels. The bathroom is the reason traditional print will NOT be made obsolete by electronics and the Internet. No one is going to risk electrocution while relaxing and relieving in the bathroom.

Loud noises, like children fighting, dogs barking, husbands asking questions and now ridiculously loud commercials, are why bathrooms have better insulation than other rooms. We do not like to be interrupted while in the powder room. Marketing people -- we DO NOT want to hear why your insurance is the best while perusing the obituaries from the porcelain throne.

Loud noises are also disruptive when trying to decide what snack to prepare during the commercial break. When one is leaning on the refrigerator door, trying to decide between a bagel and leftover spaghetti with a side of cheeseburger, one cannot think clearly enough over the pizza jingle to find the ketchup or cream cheese.

Those loud commercials can be dangerous, too. Imagine heading out to the kitchen for an innocent peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You go to the utensil drawer and find only steak knives because you've been so engrossed in the mini-series or sports event on television that you haven't run the dishwasher in a week. You grab a steak knife and proceed to dip it into the peanut butter jar.

After spreading the peanut butter, you decide to use the same knife for the jelly. But you are running out of time -- you've already heard seven commercials, how many more could possibly air before the program begins again? You attempt to lick the peanut butter off the steak knife just as a new commercial begins. The sound of screeching tires and screaming actors startles you because it is as loud as if it were actually happening in the kitchen. The hand holding the steak knife to your tongue jerks ...

There is a time and a place for commercials. The time is during the Super Bowl or that show each year that recaps the funniest commercials from around the world. The place is in the living room. Not the bathroom, not the kitchen -- JUST the living room. The picture and sound should stay together in the living room as commercials were meant to occur.

Marketing people of corporate America, know this: There is a way to combat the unnatural high volume of your creative, high-tech messages. The antidote is already in the hands of the people. We can and we will mute ALL commercials, ALWAYS if this volume discrepancy continues.

Americans everywhere can reclaim the sanctity of their bathrooms and protect their tongues from the devastating effects of steak knives gone awry. As soon as the station goes to commercial, we shall be at the ready with our remote controls. We shall implement the muting system of the television.

Marketing people of corporate America, you must ask yourselves, is it worth it to completely turn off the American people by shoving your message down our ear canals regardless of where we might be in our house at the time of airing? Or, would you rather optimize your impact by giving us a break already?

I'll be waiting for an answer with my thumb poised over the mute button.

Micki Bare is a columnist for the Arkansas News Bureau and the Courier-Tribune in Asheboro, N.C., and author of the book, "Relative Expressions." She lives in Asheboro with her husband and three children. Her e-mail address is mickibare@inspiredscribe.com.