MARSHA GOLDSTEIN Life Matters Advertisement

Most people equate the phrase domestic violence to a physical assault such as a black eye, bruises or broken arm.

Unfortunately, domestic violence has many faces and none of them are pretty. Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of behavior to exert and maintain control over another person in an intimate, loving and dependent relationship.

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of the victims of domestic violence are women.

There are many types or faces of domestic violence.

Physical assault is the one with which most people are familiar. Pushing, punching, hitting, kicking or hair pulling are a few examples of physical abuse.

In most cases, the frequency and intensity increases over time. Approximately 1,500 women are killed each year by husbands or boyfriends.

Usually, men who batter are seeking a sense of power or control over their partners or their own lives. Sometimes a batterer is very dependent upon the woman and any move toward independence is considered a threat.

It is doubtful that a woman will appear for a job interview with a bruised face.

Some men batter because it's the only way they know how to be close to or relate to a partner.

Some men witnessed or heard their mother being abused by their father and conjured up the idea that this was what relationships were all about.

In many cases, men who batter try to beat some sense into their partners. Unfortunately, many times they beat the life out of them.

Sexual assault and psychological assault are two other faces of domestic violence.

Sexual assault occurs when one partner forces the other partner to engage in sexual acts that are unwanted. The perpetrator thinks that he has the right to continue based upon their relationship.

Psychological assault can be verbal and emotional such as name-calling, intimidation and threats, perhaps of destroying a family heirloom or harming the family pet.

Psychological assault could also include isolation from family and friends and constant questioning about who you see and your relationship with them.

An accusation of inappropriate behavior or of an affair is not uncommon.

Psychological abuse can at times be even more damaging than physical abuse. It chips away at your self-esteem until you may even begin to believe that you are "stupid, "useless" or you "deserve it."

Why do women stay in an abusive relationship?

Many times they stay out of magical thinking. They think that the abuse won't happen again because he said he was sorry and said he loved you and even cried. They stay because of financial reasons. They stay because they are afraid if they leave they will be hunted down and killed.

Some women stay because of the children.

Many women think the children aren't aware of what's going on and that it won't affect them. Children know what's going on in the home. They are affected by what they see and hear. It affects them deeply and in one way or another affects relationships of their own.

Women also stay in an abusive relationship out of shame. Some women were taught that what goes on in one's home stays there. Or, perhaps, they were warned by family or friends about their partner and failed to see what others saw.

Men who engage in domestic violence of any nature are not 100 percent hateful. At times, they can be loving and attentive partners. At this point, some women will recommit to their partner and fantasize that the abuse won't happen again and it's a new beginning.

It's not a new beginning and the abuse will happen again.

Domestic violence is deeply rooted in anger and psychological issues. There is only one perpetrator

Many people think that couples counseling can help. Couples counseling is not the right venue for domestic violence.

In couples counseling the partners are both held responsible to resolve the issues at hand. Again, in the case of domestic violence only one person is the perpetrator. In addition, the perpetrator may become angry as he needs to be in control, and the victim may be in more danger when they leave the session.

If you think that you are a victim of domestic violence and want to change your situation, consult community resources for the services best suited for your situation.

Marsha Goldstein, L.C.S.W., BCD, is a licensed clinical social worker, board certified diplomate. She has a private practice in Pahrump and can be reached at 775-751-9579.