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To incorporate or not to incorporate, that is the question.

No, I am not speaking about the Town of Pahrump. I am speaking about Anna and Frank, a couple I saw several years ago who were having some difficulties in their marriage.

The couple explained that they had tried everything and nothing had worked, so they came to see me. I was the last stop on the derailed train they called their marriage, soon to be taken out of commission. I was told by the couple that if this didn't work, the marriage was over.

Again, the couple explained that they had tried everything during the past five years of their 11-year marriage.

Anna explained they had attended several marriage lectures over the years. Frank explained the couple also listened to numerous tapes and read several books on the subject. The couple also went to their pastor, both individually and together, to get help. Nothing worked.

So, they were here with me as their final recourse. As they sat with arms crossed over their respective chests, I could tell they were waiting for pearls of wisdom to spew from my mouth. They were waiting for words they didn't hear or read before. They were waiting for magic to occur.

When I inquired as to why they thought all the things they did before coming to see me didn't work, I received blank stares and shrugged shoulders.

When I asked the couple to tell me at least one positive change that had occurred in their marriage due to all they had tried before coming to see me, I received the same response as before. So I told the couple I couldn't help them either.

Their response was very different this time. They both asked why I couldn't help them and went on about how they were referred by someone I did help and so on. I explained that I couldn't help them because they didn't want to be helped.

Of course, they disagreed and repeated all the things that they had done in the past to save their marriage. When I told them they hadn't done anything, they sat in amazement. I again asked for either or both of them to point out one positive change that had occurred from all or any of the resources they had used. Neither one could do it.

After a long silence, Anna spoke up. She said she was confused and didn't understand why things hadn't changed for them so far. Frank nodded his head in agreement.

The answer was that the couple never incorporated positive changes of any kind into their marriage. They were back five years ago when their difficulty first began.

Anna stated that after she read a book on the subject, she gave it to her husband to read. They never discussed the contents and assumed each other gained insight into their problems. Anna even left notes on certain paragraphs hoping that her husband would see himself and change. Frank threw the notes away.

To fast-forward, I did work with Anna and Frank to a successful ending. The couple was more receptive to the concept of incorporating positive changes into their marriage. They also understood each partner was equally responsible for the well-being of the marriage.

The more they incorporated positive changes, no matter how small, the easier it became for them to take charge and control of their marriage.

Marsha Goldstein, LCSW, BCD, is a licensed clinical social worker, board certified diplomate. She has a private practice here in Pahrump and can be reached at 775-751-9579.