MICKI BARE Advertisement

As the weather cools and leaves fall, humans are compelled to lose themselves, literally, among the twists and turns of corn mazes. Apparently the mouse and cheese experiment has filtered down from university labs to high school and even middle school science labs sparking envy among observers.

Someone somewhere decided it would be fun to see if people could make it through a maze. But a wood maze would be costly and time consuming to build. I believe the corn maze was inspired by media attention given to crop circles. Like the peanut butter and chocolate revelation that resulted in the cups, a light bulb suddenly turned on: crop circles ... amazing ... corn ... maize ... maze ... PERFECT!

And not only would it be the perfect way to humiliate millions of fun-loving adults and children, it could also bring in a few extra dollars for struggling farmers. Why not cut a maze through the cornfield before plowing it down for the winter and charge a few bucks a head for the chance to get lost for hours?

And think of the additional marketing that could be done around the corn-maze industry. T-shirts that boast, "I found my way out of Farmer Joe's maize maze in less than three days" could be sold at the exit. Maps could be sold at the entrance. For those who don't think they will need a map until three or four hours into their adventure, maps could be sold, along with candy and drinks, at concession stands located within the maze.

Today, in nearly every agricultural community across the country, hand-painted wooden signs, fliers tacked to grocery store bulletin boards and fancy billboards entice people to test their directional instincts against the drying corn stalks of our heartland.

The average family heads to the maze one cool autumn day hoping for some quality bonding time. They start out excited, anticipating a wrong turn or two, but feeling as if they will make it out in less than an hour. After the maze, a trip to a local eatery and more bonding time are planned.

The average family pays admission, buys a map -- just in case -- and then disappears among the dried stalks. "This is going to be great!" the parents exclaim. The kids cheer. The sun shines. Birds chirp.

ONE HOUR LATER: Mom suggests that Dad pull out the map. Dad is adamant about pushing forward on instinct. Oldest Child agrees with Dad. Youngest Child needs to use the bathroom. Dad assures Youngest Child they will be out soon.

THREE HOURS LATER: Mom grabs the map and Youngest Child and tells Dad and Oldest Child she will wait for them at the exit after a bathroom break. Oldest Child looks at Dad, then looks at Mom, and reluctantly stays with Dad. Youngest Child cheers.

FIVE HOURS LATER: Mom and Youngest Child turn the corner to find Dad and Oldest Child -- all are still deep within the maze. Youngest Child is limping and quietly sobbing. Oldest Child rolls eyes at both parents and begins to accept the fact that he will never see his friends again. Dad asks Mom why she isn't already at the exit. Mom throws crumpled map at Dad.

EIGHT HOURS LATER: Oldest Child is on the phone with Best Friend explaining how Farmer Fred had to rescue the family, but only after Youngest Child accidentally walked through the corn and back into civilization. Upon seeing Farmer Fred selling T-shirts, Youngest Child asked for directions to the bathroom.

After returning from the facilities, Youngest Child explained that his family was stuck in the maze. Farmer Fred gave Youngest Child a piece of pie and headed into the maze, returning with the family a few minutes later. Instead of heading to a restaurant, explains Oldest Child to Best Friend, the family headed home to order pizza. Dad spent the entire drive home explaining how he was just about to find the exit when Farmer Fred showed up. Mom says nothing.

THREE WEEKS LATER: Mom begins speaking to Dad again.

15 YEARS LATER: Family recalls maize maze adventure, laughs hysterically at each member's drastically different account of the day, and bonds over the memories.

15 YEARS AND ONE WEEK LATER: Oldest Child takes his own wife and children to a local corn maze ... and brings his GPS tracking device just in case.

Micki Bare is a columnist for the Arkansas News Bureau and the Courier-Tribune in Asheboro, N.C., and author of the book, "Relative Expressions." She lives in Asheboro with her husband and three children. Her e-mail address is mickibare@inspiredscribe.com.