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No, we do not have a DVD player in our minivan. That phrase has disappointed countless friends and relatives, ages 5 to 17, in the past few years. From the reaction the phrase evokes, we must be the only minivan family in existence without a DVD player strapped to a seat or dangling from the ceiling.

My children take every opportunity to ride with friends and family members who do have a DVD player in their vehicle. As a result, Hubby and I often have to ride alone when caravanning to various events or family functions. To be honest, that fact has only hurt the probability that we will ever purchase an entertainment system for our family vehicle.

When the kids ride with others, Hubby and I can actually have a conversation without getting interrupted by, "Are we there, yet?" and, "I'm hungry!" We can listen to the music we like and we can sing along without being evaluated by backseat Simon Cowell wannabes.

When we travel on our own -- outside of family and friend caravans -- my children and any underage guests must simply adjust to our archaic mode of transportation. We warn them ahead of time to bring handheld games -- with fully charged batteries -- and other antiquated forms of entertainment.

One year, out of pity for our poor deprived offspring, we did try to accommodate. We wedged a 13-inch TV-VCR combo unit on the floor between the two front seats. We purchased a plug adapter and dug out the old videos. The kids enthusiastically brought along an old video game system and hooked it up.

For the sake of safety, everything was securely tied down with rope and bungee cords woven around all sides of our entertainment system and through the "legs" of the front seats. We didn't want anyone to be crushed by a flying TV-VCR combo should we have to swerve or stop suddenly.

Unfortunately, the TV-VCR didn't work well secured to the floor. For the first leg of the trip, the videos looked like we were using metal rabbit ears to pull in programming from thousands of miles away. The video games simply refused to load.

Hubby spent an extended rest stop untying rope and releasing bungee cords so he could stack beach towels under the TV-VCR for shock absorption, and then retying and reaffixing the rope and cords. Once everything was stabilized and we were back on the road, we tested our upgraded system.

It didn't take long to discover that Hubby's efforts were wasted. In the end, the TV-VCR was moved closer to the boys and resecured so it could be used as a table. We did bring it into the beach condo so the kids could play outdated video games and watch "classic" videos when they became bored with collecting shells, skim boarding and eating taffy.

We never brought the TV-VCR along again. And we never bought a portable DVD player. We have looked at them from time to time while strolling through the mall. But the motivation to purchase another screen at which the boys can quietly stare for hours was never there.

Instead, my kids bring books and handheld video games. They bring dueling cards and MP3 players. They bring pillows for napping.

On long trips, we can go minutes without a fuss or argument. Then they break into quarrels over the inability to share video games, accusations of cheating during the card games and various complaints regarding the "annoying" behavior of others.

Hubby and I do our best to ignore most of their antics, but we are never able to completely drown out sibling rivalry while singing to our 80s-mix CD.

Therefore, Hubby and I have decided to seriously consider looking into the purchase of a portable DVD player for our minivan. While we prefer that our children do not spend hours on end staring at glowing screens at home or abroad, a long road trip in a crowded, enclosed van seems the appropriate situation for mindless entertainment that has the power to keep children quiet for extended periods of time.

If we purchase a set of earphones for each of our three children, and keep extras on hand for their young guests, Hubby and I can still belt out "Hero of the Day" along with Metallica. And since the boys will only be able to hear Toby McGuire as Peter Parker struggling with spidery good and evil, no one realize we don't remember all the lyrics.

Micki Bare is a columnist for the Arkansas News Bureau and the Courier-Tribune in Asheboro, N.C., and author of the book, "Relative Expressions." She lives in Asheboro with her husband and three children. Her e-mail address is mickibare@inspiredscribe.com.