TERRI SCHLICHENMEYER The Bookworm Sez Advertisement

What did you want to be when you grew up?

If you are of a Certain Age, you might've said you wanted to be an astronaut or a nurse or a doctor.

A good percentage of us, though, wanted desperately to be a cowboy. We wanted to ride with Matt Dillon. We longed to shoot like the Rifleman. We wanted to be Little Joe. We wanted heroism, cowpoke style.

But sometimes, the hero in those old oaters wasn't so heroic. In the new novel "Smonk," by Tom Franklin, you'll meet the newest, rottenest gunslinger the South has ever known.

Although he has a way with the ladies, nobody knows what makes Eugene Oregon Smonk so appealing. Smonk is short, just five and a quarter feet tall. His shoulders are wide and his arms are hairy as a bear's. He has one eye, bandy legs, bad teeth, stringy red hair, a scruffy beard, a bad cough, rheumatism, ague, and syphilis.

And yet, within minutes of his arrival in almost any town, women dance away from their husbands for the pleasure of E.O. Smonk's company. Some women follow Smonk when he leaves, and that makes their husbands rather testy.

Which could be why the tiny town of Old Texas, Ala., has set up an ambush in the courtroom where E.O. Smonk was to be tried. All the men were waiting with guns for Smonk. All the women, dressed in men's clothes, were watching. They'd never seen a real ambush before.

At the same time, 15-year-old prostitute Evavangeline was running for her life. Back in Louisiana, Evavangeline was caught "in congress" with a man, but because she had shorn her hair, everyone thought she was a boy. Now the Christian Deputies are after her, led by Capt. Phail Walton, a mama's boy who denies himself earthly pleasures but lusts after Evavangeline.

When Smonk escapes from the courthouse, things really heat up in Old Texas. Will McKissick, son of the town's bailiff, is missing and presumed murdered. Many prominent townspeople are dead. The senior McKissick forms a posse of two and rides out to find his son and get revenge, but he learns that Smonk hasn't fled far. What is it about Old Texas that keeps people from leaving?

Are you looking for Western that features a white-hatted, good-hearted hero and his sweet cowgirlfriend?

Keep looking, because "Smonk" isn't it.

"Smonk" is nasty, funny, violent, bawdy, and I loved every word of it. I knew from the start that E.O. Smonk wasn't going to be like any other Western hero; in fact, he's hardly a hero at all, but author Tom Franklin makes him likeable in a strangely repulsive way. Add in a bit of the supernatural (circa the 1870s) and a few plot twists that are very much on the strange side and you've got a novel that emphasizes the "eek" in "unique."

If you're looking for something unusual but un-put-down-able, look for "Smonk." Be aware that, filled with four-letter words and gritty situations, this is not your grandpa's Western.

"Smonk" by Tom Franklin, Wm. Morrow, $23.95, 251 pages.