No one goes through life without being hurt by another person. We have all experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip or a lie.

If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself. However, the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you.

When you forgive another person, you no longer allow their behavior to cause you anger, pain, bitterness or resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you make the choice to hold on to these feelings.

Forgiveness is something you give to yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful feelings and pushing others away.

Forgiveness frees you from anger and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying relationships with others.

Forgiving another does not mean you will never again feel the pain or remember the thing that hurt you. The hurtful experience will be in your memory forever. By forgiving, you are not pretending the hurtful behavior never happened. It did happen. The important thing is to learn from it while letting go of the painful feelings.

Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. It doesn't mean that the person's behavior was okay. You are not excusing the behavior or giving permission for the behavior to be repeated or continue.

When you forgive another, it does not mean you wish to continue your relationship with them. This is a separate decision. You can forgive a person and live your life apart from that individual. You have the choice to forgive or not to forgive.

The experience of forgiveness is a process. It is extremely important to acknowledge your feelings. It may seem easier to deny feelings or "stuff" them deep down because it hurts too much. In some cases your physical well-being may be at stake.

Some people have found writing a letter to the one who hurt them helpful. This letter is for your healing; you need not mail it. It is important to express both the positive and negative aspects of your relationship.

If you have decided to end the relationship with the person you have forgiven, have a ceremony to symbolize it. You may wish to burn the letter, or tear it into tiny pieces and discard it. Closure may take different forms for each person.

Sometimes the person you need to forgive is you.

You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing you didn't set out to hurt another person. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have. You did the best you could at the time.

Once you have let go of the pain and past hurts, you will feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being.

We are all unique and so is the situation that has produced the feelings we are dealing with. These feelings we are holding on to or "stuffing" may very well affect our health with lost sleep and physical ailments.

Some people are afraid to "let go" of the feelings because they have been a part of their lives for so long. Others are afraid to "let go" because they fear the tears will never stop. Others do not want to burden family and friends with their deep personal feelings. They fear not being understood or being told to "just forget about it." It may be very helpful to enlist the help of a licensed mental health professional to assist you in the process of forgiveness.

Marsha Goldstein, L.C.S.W., BCD, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Board Certified Diplomate in private practice in Pahrump. She can be reached at (775) 751-9579.