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April 21, 2006
Buckle up, walk away; fail to do so, die
The last thing a columnist wants to do is be repetitive. If we can't get our message across in 600 to 800 words we are not very good at what we do. As a result some of us develop a crusader attitude hell bent on bending the masses to our indomitable will. We beat dead horses in the futile hope we'll remind the live ones how to stay that way. With that preface in mind repeat after me: I, (Your Name Here) _________________, do hereby promise to put on my &*ç^%$#@ seat belt every %^&*()#$ time I get behind the wheel. Out loud. Three times. While looking at your beautiful face in the bathroom mirror, the mirror in the bedroom and the rearview mirror before you back out of your driveway, a supermarket parking lot space or a convenience store. I, (You know what to do) _________________, do hereby promise to feed the growing number of homeless folks camping at Petrack Park - for a year - if I am ever ticketed two times in six months for failure to use my turn signals. I understand the logic of this driving regulation and agree to activate my turn signals every time I manually cause my vehicle to change direction. I will proffer this meaningful, thoughtful gesture as an act of kinship with the drivers behind and in front of me. I will activate said turn signals at least 100 feet before I actually manually cause my vehicle to change direction; anytime I prepare to turn left or right, but especially left. I, ________________, do hereby offer up my grandmother's silver tea set for driving more than five mph above the posted speed limit. I know Satan has a better chance of organizing a snowball fight in Hell than I do of getting a ticket, but I shall do this out of my sense of teamwork, knowing full well there are going to be many other drivers out there and the road must be shared. I also understand this: If we all hate taxes as much as we say we do, we should hate Big Oil and those that enable them to profiteer, obscenely, off our backs. Driving the speed limit or even close to it saves on fuel costs. That's about the only means we have left to stick it to the man. I, ________________, do hereby agree to relinquish my driver's license for five years if I ever speed through a school zone while there are children in class. I will come to a complete stop. I will wait and allow oncoming traffic to pass before I enter an intersection at which I must stop or yield. I will always be in control of my vehicle. I will leave five minutes early if tardiness is my problem. I will call a cab if I've been drinking. I will not speed through the parking lots of Wal-Mart, Albertson's, Smith's, Ace, Pahrump Valley High School, any casino, casino-hotel, RV park or convenience store. I will crawl in a closet and smell dirty socks if I'm on a five-day meth run, but I will not drive. End of oath. Please sign and date: _____________________________ _____________________________ I suspect that's enough preaching for one column. I only have 100 to 300 words left to get points across. But I'm going to preach some more. Can I hear an amen? Barbara Cleveland is dead because she was driving too fast and she wasn't wearing a seat belt. Eleanor Waite is dead because she failed to yield at a stop sign at a highway and Kimberlie Bowdre is dead because of Waite's alleged negligence. An unidentified, unrestrained man who rolled his car Monday morning on Highway 160 at the Tecopa cutoff - what is it with that stretch of road and how many people have to die before engineers fix the problem? - was in a coma the last we heard. Witnesses said they saw baby clothes and toys strewn along the wreckage site and frantically combed the sage looking for an infant or toddler. There wasn't one and that's a blessing. Barbara Cleveland was a friend of mine; she was, as were Waite and Bowdre, a wife, a sister and a daughter and a friend to too many people to comprehend. Bowdre was a mother and Waite likely was, too. And "John Doe," based on your most elementary Sherlock logic, just might have a baby wondering why daddy hasn't come home and why mommy is crying all the time? I thought that was my job. One more comment: The rumors that followed the deaths of three people and the potential death of a fourth - three in one day on Monday - were malicious and despicable. Some folks need to take another oath; the one that says I hereby agree not to testify as a false witness against my neighbor. Write to Doug McMurdo at dmcmurdo@pvtimes.com. |
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