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September 14, 2005
The 'wheel of violence' rolls in Pahrump Valley
By MARY BALDASANO
Every day is a day of fear for those who live with an abuser. They never know if the abuser is going to be in a good mood or a violent one. They never know if this time, he or she will finally fulfill the threat of "killing" them. This is just one spoke on the never-ending Wheel of Violence. One part of an abusive relationship goes around and around, starting with emotional abuse and goes through stages such as sexual abuse, threats, child use or abuse, intimidation and isolation, to name a few. How does someone end up in a relationship that ultimately leads to abuse? Why do they stay there once they realize the abuse will never stop? These are not easy questions, and do not have easy answers. While each situation presents unique problems that require a unique response in providing assistance, they all follow the spokes of the wheel in one form or another - for the ultimate end is control. The beginning of such a relationship is usually one of compassion, friendliness, assistance, financial help, and in some cases even providing free drugs or alcohol, or they will spend lavishly on the children. The victim may have just left an abusive relationship and is unsure of his or her self, feels overwhelmed with the task of providing for his or her self and the children, and is willing to accept any type of "caring" from most anyone. They may have high pressure jobs that they are unhappy with and wish they could leave, or they could be on public assistance and want to do better in life but don't have the knowledge or skills to get them there. In either instance, an abuser will take advantage of the weakness and gain power in the relationship. There are eight spokes to the Wheel of Violence: emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male/female privilege, intimidation and isolation. Each spoke has specific types of acts, which are used by the abuser, and which help professionals identify the type of assistance a victim might require. Emotional Abuse is characterized by the abuser "putting partner down or making him or her feel bad about self," "calling partner names," "making him or her think they are crazy," and playing other types of "mind games." Economic Abuse is when the abuse "tries to keep the partner from getting or keeping a job," "making them ask for money," "giving them an allowance," or "taking all their money." Sexual Abuse is all to frequent in these relationships and usually takes the form of "making the partner do sexual things against their will," "physically attacking the sexual parts of their body," "treating them like a sex object," or having "affairs." Using children is easy for an abuser as they can "make the partner feel guilty about the children," "use the children to give messages," or "use visitation as a way to harass the victim." That threats are the power of control is most evident as the abuser will "make or carry out threats to do something to hurt the partner emotionally," "threaten to take the children," "threaten to commit suicide," or "report the victim to welfare," "threaten to 'kill' the partner." Using Male/Female Privilege is shown by "treating him or her like a servant or slave," "making all the 'big' decisions," and "acting like the master of the castle." Intimidation is where fear is readily instilled by "putting the victim in fear by using looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, smashing things," and "destroying the partner's personal property." Isolation is sought by the abuser to "control what the partner does, who they see and talk to," and "where they go." Actual physical abuse can be pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, pinching, biting, beating or throwing a child down, using a weapon against a child, and more. Also, abusers are not always adults. Teenagers can also be abusers and will use most of the same methods to gain and maintain control in their relationships. Additional methods include: embarrassments, criticizing, using jealousy as a sign of love instead of security, going out with friends but not allowing the partner the same freedoms, doing all the telephoning and expect partner to be present, forced sex or "playful" use of force during sex, scaring the partner, ignoring them or using the "silent treatment." Abusers methodically and over a long period of time convince the partner that they don't exist without them. Victims take on the same likes and dislikes of the abuser to the point that they don't remember their own preferences before the relationship. One individual stated that once out of the relationship (with help), she felt finding out what color, music, clothes, and car she liked was the most important thing in her life at that point because she couldn't remember ever having her own tastes. Her abuser destroyed property belonging to friends and relatives, as well as threatening to do them harm if she left. It was to the point that she was afraid to talk to or see family members and those few friends she had gained prior to the relationship due to threats of retaliation from the abuser. With the help of No To Abuse, she was able to leave the relationship and regain her life, and her family and friends are fine. Oddly enough, she had thought that all of his actions were because he really loved her. Domestic violence is a never-ending wheel where the types of abuses mentioned above continue from day to day. Without psychological help, abusers do not change their behavior. Without admitting their insecurities and issues and working out a resolution, their methods of control will never end. If you know of someone who may be in a relationship that fits the Wheel of Violence, and are not sure how to help them, call the No To Abuse office at 751-1118 and advise them of your concerns and seek their assistance. They are there to help. It's time to work hard at ridding victims of this scourge in life. It's time abusers faced the penalties for their actions. Call No To Abuse - they can and will help you. |
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