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August 12, 2005
Dreams of being King of Nye County, Nevada
But I was called a deranged lunatic this week by a highly upset employee of the Valley Electric Association - along with a few other profane words that have no business being published in a family newspaper - thanks to last week's editorial urging VEA's member owners, us in other words, to take back the out-of-control rural electric cooperative. The troubles at Valley Electric will eventually be solved by emptying our wallets while the co-op's employees enjoy a higher standard of living than do 90 percent of the residents of this town. Being called a lunatic doesn't bother me, but being accused of having engaged in sexual relations with my dearly departed mother is not easy to hear without wanting to punch the trash talker smack in his potty mouth. Lucky for him I'm too old to go to the gravel over words. "You're not king of the world, McMurdo," was one of the nicer things this man said, so let's focus on this specific comment and what it would mean to be king. Right now I'm not king of anything. My house is my castle, I suppose, but a queen rules that particular kingdom. I'm not king of the Pahrump Valley Times because great teams don't have kings - they have chemistry. I'm not the king of England, thank goodness, and even though I did hitchhike thousands of miles in the late '70s and early '80s, I'm not, as was Roger Miller, king of the road. And I'm not the king of Nye County, but if I were ... I'd make the folks at Valley Electric publish their bottom line revenues and expenditures, their assets and liabilities, and the pay rates and benefits of each employee. I would, as king, put the word cooperative back into the rural co-op. Other chess moves I would make: • As king I would dissolve the Pahrump Town Board and replace the twice-monthly meetings at the community center with XXX porno movies. They couldn't be any more offensive than the town board. • I would prohibit the Nye County Board of Commissioners from meeting more than 23 times a week. • I would banish the Department of Energy to New Jersey. • I would disband all political parties. • I would make all newcomers live in the county for at least five years before they could vote in Nevada elections. • Bad drivers would be decapitated. • Roads would be paved so bad drivers wouldn't drive so badly. • There would be plenty of cops; firefighters, paramedics and they would be adequately equipped. • I would forbid Las Vegas real estate agents from selling Pahrump properties until they take and pass the test, How Much Do You Know About the Pahrump Valley? • I would make every resident in Nye County meet in a different community every six months for a weekend-long street dance and barbecue festival. That way we would find out we're not as different as we think we are - and those things that do make us different will be our strength. • I would turn the all-nude Kingdom Gentleman's Club into a family-style restaurant and lounge just like owner Joe Richards swore it would be while the business at Highway 160 and Homestead Road was being built. I would then make Richards take down his questionable billboards. But being a benevolent king, I would then allow Richards to build his brothel down the street with the other "ranches." I would leave the brothels alone. Not because I embrace the concept of prostitution, legal or otherwise, but because they provide a safe haven for the women who, for whatever reason, feel the need to sell their bodies. Pragmatism over morals is never acceptable, but one must be a realist to be king. • As king I would build a huge reservoir at the base of the Spring Mountains and divert all rainwater and snowmelt into the basin. Then I'd build a nice campground and stock the lake with fish. We'd all have a good time and it wouldn't take us a four-hour drive to get there. Yee haw! • To steal an idea first printed in a column by Sports Editor Don McDermott earlier this summer, I would make Preferred Equities Corporation remove its sign at Highway 160 and Calvada Boulevard. None of those entities listed on the sign, as Don pointed out so adroitly, no longer exist. In fact, I would order the removal of anything and everything that reminds me of the bankrupt rascals. • I would make everybody go to the dentist at least twice a year and bathe at least once a week. • Meth traffickers and manufacturers would be hanged. • Shoddy contractors would have roughhewn two-by-fours shoved up their one-by-ones. • People who dump their trash on the outskirts of town would be made to clean every easement in the valley. Every day. • I would either ban the sale of fireworks or make them legal for everyone, but there wouldn't be two sets of laws governing pyrotechnics. • I would build a dungeon to hold all the people who have the money to pay their ambulance bills but refuse to do so. It would be a big dungeon. My loyal subjects - you guys - would pay the kingdom many gold coins to pay for the privilege of my protection - for I am King Lunatic, and just like the VEA, there's nothing you can do to stop me. Or is there? Write to Doug McMurdo at dmcmurdo@pvtimes.com. |
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