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July 13, 2005
LIFE MATTERS Ingredients for a good first, second marriageBy MARSHA GOLDSTEIN
You hear music everywhere and the songs are all about you and your very special person. You wish that this period of time would go on and on. People are so happy for the two of you. The special day comes and everyone has a wonderful time. Everything goes off like clockwork and the hours go by and then it's over. Your special day is over. Now the marriage begins. Whether it is your first marriage, second or more, there is a period of adjustment both partners will go through. Communication, honesty and trust are vital components in this period. It is important to tell your partner how you feel about decisions being made and any other issues that will impact both your lives. Agreement to please the other partner when in fact that is not your feeling is a grave mistake. Many people do this as to not "make waves" and keep the peace. However, peace is the last thing that prevails when resentment overflows. Marriage is a public union between two people. Vows are taken and given to each other. It is important to note that these vows are not given to other members of the family and extended family. In other words, the couple needs to remember that the marriage consists of two people. They must stand as a strong unit. They must be the most important person to each other, best friends and spouse. Trust is vital. If past relationships or marriages have left unresolved issues it would be in the best interest of the marriage to explore them and get some resolution. Many people go from one marriage to another without understanding why the marriage didn't work. In fact, some people choose the same type of person so they can have a "do over" and are shocked when it doesn't work out. Unfortunately, some people have unrealistic ideas of what marriage is. Marriage is good times, bad times, horrific times, times of joy and happiness, times of tears, and anything else that can be thrown into the pot. In other words, marriage is life shared with another person. As life doesn't give anyone any promises, neither does marriage. Marriage needs to be worked on every day. The "work" needs to be discussed in board of directors meetings, like in big corporations. Each partner needs to know what is going on, just as each director of a board does. The meeting doesn't have to be in a big room with an oval table and large leather chairs. The meeting can take place at the kitchen table. As in a board of directors meeting in the corporate world, an agenda is necessary to keep on track. Is the topic for today finances? If so, have the necessary items on the table to discuss. Have paper and pencil so each spouse can write down suggestions or questions for better understanding without being judgmental of the other person. If the new marriage creates a stepfather or stepmother, problems may be on the horizon. A new marriage and a new family will certainly go through a period of adjustment. Fine-tuning to a new family may take from three to five years. Within that time problems will arise including scheduling visits to the other parent or parents, getting along with stepchildren, sharing time with all the children involved and, most importantly, having couple time. Children, on the whole, don't mind their parents dating or having a special person in their life. However, when the person fills the roll of mother or father trouble may soon follow. Children, even adult children, have a fantasy of their parents getting back together after a divorce. They want the unit reunited hoping that the issues of the past can be forgotten and the family composition once again whole and without problems. It is known that children can initiate a plan to disrupt the marriage. It takes the wisdom and the strength of the couple to recognize the plan and address it as a unit that cannot be split. This issue may take many "board of directors" meetings to devise plans and to squash an overthrow. Seriously, a good marriage is one that has a great deal of communication, trust and respect. Throw in some selective vision, selective hearing, and a good helping of humor for good measure. Goldstein is a licensed clinical social worker, Board Certified Diplomate, in private practice in Pahrump. |
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