| CURRENT WEATHER: Clear, 42° |
|
|
|
||
|
||||
|
December 31, 2003
Prophecies of the psychic psycho
January: Roy Barraclough of Rural Health Management Corporation will check into a sanitarium after the weight of 30,000 disenfranchised souls crushes his psyche and his spirit. To save time and money, the FBI will establish a field office in Pahrump and staff it with 400 special agents. February: The Pahrump Regional Planning Commission will fire Tri-Core Engineering amid allegations the master plan the firm developed "isn't enough like California." Two days later the Nye County Board of Commissioners will dissolve the Pahrump Regional Planning Commission. The Pahrump Town Board will alienate the new town manager at his first meeting of the month. March: The new town manager resigns; collects $70,000 in severance pay. Insurance company execs decide they've screwed long enough with Mountain View Casino and Bowl owner John McCaw, who announces a July groundbreaking for a new and improved casino and bowling alley. A slightly stronger than usual windstorm whips through the tiny village of Goldfield and destroys virtually every structure in town. Experts determine the damage is in excess of $11. April: Roy Barraclough feels much better by now, but his heart is broken after psychiatrists tell him he'll have to stay in restraints until Nov. 30. County Manager Mike Maher wants to know if he can get the same deal as the new ex-town manager. The Nye County Commission tells him that, unlike some town managers, the character, integrity and state of mind of county managers must be attacked in public before a formal payoff could be discussed. May: A perfect example of how resistant to change some people can be is made after the road department installs a four-way stop sign at Linda Street and Wilson Road. A man who causes the first traffic accident at the improved intersection tells police: "That sign wasn't there when I moved here, why should I have to do what it says?" (Actually, the above paragraph is a true story. The four-way was installed quite a while back at Basin Avenue and Barney Street. I was just looking for an excuse to get the dimwit's comments in the newspaper.) June: National television news outlets break into regularly scheduled programming to report the sun has exploded in the West. Fears are soon allayed after more responsible types realize it's just another summer in Southern Nevada. The Nye County Board of Commissioners hold a 17-hour meeting in Pahrump. The same five people who show up for every meeting to bitch and complain about anything and everything consume 16 hours and seven minutes making public comment. The 398 seniors that comprise the Class of 2004 receive their diplomas. July: All but two of the 398 grads have left Nye County. They move away from their friends and families for three reasons: find work, go to college, and, "to be closer to like a freaking hospital, dude. Are you like whack?" A man of his word, John McCaw lays a ceremonial cornerstone as the rebuilding of the Mountain View begins. Meanwhile, a petition drive is underway to give Pahrump a different name; one that more accurately reflects her personality. Signs are erected at the entrances to town welcoming visitors to Billboard City. August: The 17th 100-year flood of 2004 devastates Pahrump. The Pahrump Town Board signs an ordinance outlawing flash floods. A startling number of elected offices are suddenly vacated as Henry Neth, Joni Eastley, Patricia Cox, Candice Trummell, Midge Carver, Rick Ewing, Jeanna Howard, Charlotte LeVar, Richard Billman, Paula Glidden, Robert Lane, John Davis, Bob Beckett, Tony DeMeo, Sam Merlino, Sandy Musselman, Pat Foster, Dawn Murphy, Melanie Reiner, Dennis Keating, Nancy Sollinger, Tracie Ward, Debbie Wescoatt, Shawn Hall, Murray Loomis, and Donna Motis resign in disgust. September: Roy Barraclough guarantees he's "all better now" and demands to be shown some respect. His doctors meet in secret to discuss upping his dose of lithium. The primary election turns violent after a smattering of Pahrump voters who - resistant to change, don't you know - burn down the community center in protest of the new voting machines. The 18th 100-year flood of 2004 wipes out the Pahrump Winery. October: Rep. Jim Gibbons, R-Nev., stops in Pahrump to press the flesh and kiss the babies as he pursues the keys to the Governor's Mansion. People who do their homework wish him the best of luck. Citing exorbitant telephone bills and mileage reimbursements owed to its 400 special agents in Pahrump, the FBI abandons Washington, D.C., and moves its headquarters to Highway 160 and Homestead Road. November: Giving his doctors a note written on an Etch-a-Sketch and a fortune removed from a Chinese cookie, Roy Barraclough pleads with them to accept the pathetic offering as having met condition number three on the certificate of sanity he so desperately hopes to secure by Nov. 30. Tragedy strikes when 10 people are trampled after a herd of Pahrumpalopes stampede the buffet line at Saddle West. December: Roy Barraclough's doctors "assure" him he will be returned to society sometime in January, just as soon as he can secure funding for his release. Wink-wink. Happy New Year Nye County. Write to Doug McMurdo at dmcmurdo@pvtimes.com. |
